The Subtypes of Substack
based on my own entirely subjective and too-online observations of a very small segment of the website
As the Wise
once said,As a self-proclaimed member of the Niche Pattern-Spotters Club (you may recognize me from such Pattern-Explainers as Feminists and their Subtypes, Four Categories of Male Attractiveness, and Don’t Lower Your Standards), I’ve humbly taken on the responsibility of appropriately categorizing some of you who make up many of my interactions and regular reading on Substack-Dot-Com.
Some of these categories are based on the topics you write about, some on your writing style and tone, some on the completely subjective vibe of your notes and comments. Really, these categories are all over the place because they mostly come to me when I’m stoned and have been scrolling this app too long.
...that said, I am certain that once I publish this, or once some of you comment on it, I will remember all the people I wanted to categorize but just forgot (mostly because it is being written under the same conditions as the scrawled stoned graph paper groupings). I preemptively apologize for any inevitable oversight.1
These are all in good fun, so let this also serve as a hefty recommendation list of people you should consider following and subscribing to if whatever goofy reasons listed below appeal to you.
Now, allow me to introduce the category that inspired it all:
Big Dad Energy
BDEs2 generally skew liberal or centrist in their politics and aren’t afraid to admit it, but not in an intrusive or annoying way. They get along with most liberals and conservatives and everyone in between, just as long as the person isn't completely batshit. They’re giving Stan Marsh, sighing with resignation as they step up to the mic to offer the obvious, common-sense solution to whatever social problem the hysterical masses are squabbling about in the town square this discourse cycle.
Importantly, though, between taking shifts as the most reasonable person in the room, the BDEs of Substack frequently talk about their kids and wives3 with great fondness and humor, appreciating the beauty of married and/or family life with an open acceptance of the occasional struggle as a worthwhile part of the gig. They sometimes — with reluctant obligation — engage in Gender Discourse if a particular battle has been taking over the platform for too long to ignore, often providing down-to-earth anecdotes from their own lives to demonstrate that sex differences are real but also that they’re not actually that big of a deal. BDEs are not explicitly pro-natalist, but they do a way better job than the actual pro-natalists of making family life seem like a great, and even fun, idea.
Women I Must Be Synced Up With Because I Always Devour Their Essays When I’m Ovulating
These are either heart-wrenching personal essays or stories or poems that make me cry, or they’re super hot descriptions of whatever fun thing they just did with a man written in all lowercase or some aesthetically similar variation of those things, and they hit my inbox and Notes feed exactly on schedule. I am both grateful for the synchronicity and creeped tf out.
Guys Who I Feel Like Could Be Bros IRL
I have no idea how to explain this. Let me know how it goes if you all hang out sometime.
Dudes You First Expect to be Standard-Issue Misogyny Enjoyers but Who Actually Love Women and Will Call You Gay if You Complain About Them
These men know women can be insane, feral creatures and they understand that accepting and celebrating this reality is the best way to benefit from the best of both of these characteristics. They have transcended feelings of resentment and bitterness toward the fairer sex and have come to appreciate, or at least not sweat, the more frustrating of the sex differences. They will say offensive things about women but get away with it because they are funny about it and call us cute afterwards. They are either rich or gym bros or both.
Guys Who Just Showed Up One Day and Started Being Funny Right Off the Bat
It’s fun when someone relatively new to Substack manages to just sort of seamlessly place themselves into your pre-existing Corner of Substack like they’ve been there all along. After a brief time, everyone in the broader corner catches on and they are easily absorbed and quickly accumulate followers and subscribers. Eventually, they publish their debut Substack essay, are quickly regarded as Brilliant and/or Hilarious by everyone, and then they go on
’s podcast.The Cool Girls of Substack
These women remind me of the girls I wanted to be friends with in middle school, only they’re actually nice to me and that’s confusing. They are smart and successful and cooler than me and I'm lowkey a little bit afraid of them.
“I Can’t Believe I Have to Explain This to You Idiots Again” Energy
These people have had enough of your shit and they’re going to let you, and everyone else, know, but in a way you can’t really disagree with. You restack it even when they’re describing you because you just can’t help yourself.
Mysterious Chicks I Can’t Pin Down But Whose Energy I Respect
I know RFH is more of a Twitter person, but I saw a tweet once where some guy told her that her crows feet are sexy and she was like, “you can’t gaslight me, I literally have Botox” and I fell in love. I have read nothing else from her since and don’t care to because I want this untainted image of her in my mind forever.
Producers of Instant Classics
These people rarely engage in Discourse of the Day on their main publications. They may yap about it with the rest of us on Notes, but they refuse to pollute their publication’s archive with such ephemeral slop. Their essays are sometimes infrequent but always thorough and immediately treasured; they are praised and shared widely with proclamations that they belong in prestigious magazines or museums instead of Substack. These are correct assessments.
Elite Pattern Noticers
Sometimes the patterns these folks notice are hilarious and apt, and other times they are so brilliant and out-there that I am stunned that such high levels of extremely observant nerdery are even allowed in polite society. They should be given grants to further their important research.
People I Suspect Are Hot But Can’t Tell For Sure Because I’ve Never Seen Their Faces
’s Husband
That's just, like, the vibe, man. Additionally, I felt like
and probably belonged here, but everybody can already tell from CHH’s censored fashion photos that they’re probably hot, so their inclusion felt a little too obvious.Wisdom Droppers
Some of the notes that emerge from the fingers of these writers tend to be liked and/or restacked about a zillion times each. They could probably start their own talk shows4 or religions if they wanted to.
Women With Whom I Share Random but Eerily Similar Childhood and/or Teenage Experiences
These women have written at least one essay that made me think, “are we actually the same person?” or “did you steal my old diaries?”
Bipolar Gang
I have learned so much about what it’s like to be institutionalized and heavily medicated from these people and their extremely honest and vulnerable depictions of being bipolar. Also about lingerie and what poppers are used for and how to make chicken parm.
Women Who Were Also Weird Enough to Lurk Red Pill Forums in Their Teens and Early Twenties
I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE! We should start a club or something. The secret password to get into the treehouse is “Neil Strauss.”
People Whose Notes are All Over the Place but Whose Publications Actually Have Consistent Themes
These folks know how to compartmentalize. They are the mullets of Substack: business in the newsletter, party in the notes.
Gender War Veterans
Even if we didn’t come to Substack intending to enlist (or re-enlist) in the latest installment of the Gender Wars, we find ourselves pulled in time and again, most of us finally giving into fate and staying in for the full twenty until retirement. But let’s be real — no one really retires from the Gender Wars. We’re like those grizzled old TV detectives who keep saying “just one more case” after three divorces, a studio apartment wall dedicated to weird connections between suspects, and a history of ulcers.
Twenty-Something Philosophy Bros
I don’t know if they’re all actually in their twenties, but I’m going with it. Also this list could be 432529167 more people and counting, as more are produced from the Twenty-Something Philosophy Bro Factory each day, outpacing all other categories. They will soon dominate Substack so we should be nice to them so they will protect the rest of us in the coming Shrimp Wars.
Cluster B Noticers
It takes these people approximately half a millisecond to spot a borderline or narc in a crowd of thousands.
Cluster B Enjoyers
They are behind the Noticers waiting for the borderline of their dreams to be spotted and ousted from the group, directly into their waiting arms.
Funny Women Who Just Appeared in my Home Feed One Day and Stayed There
I don’t know where you came from, but your notes make me LOL.
Unabashed Flirts
They might not get all the way into your DMs, but they’re not afraid to pile on the compliments and emojis in the comments.
Actually Serious People
These people will actually write and publish books (or they already have, or they are currently).
Women Who Will Be Responsible For My Re-Feministing if the White Male Backlash Gets Too Annoying
Smart women who write about gender in thoughtful and balanced ways and who transcend the NYT PortMANteau Essay genre when writing critically about male social and relationship behavior.
Men Who Will Be Responsible For My Re-Feministing if the White Male Backlash Gets Too Annoying
It will be an argument with, or an essay or comment written by, one of these guys that will eventually throw me back into the warm embrace of the feminists. At some point I’ll probably have to admit that I ultimately agreed with the gist of whatever they said and just thought they were being too mean about it, but I’ll fight it for a while.
Crazy Youth Stories Gang
You’ll laugh, you’ll cry, you’ll get unreasonably angry in some of their comment sections, but you’ll keep reading!
Weirdos Who Somehow Defy Categorization in Exactly the Same Way
I will not be elaborating.
I’m probably going to keep adding to this. Suggestions welcome; I may or may not take them :)
this will be considered a living document and may be updated as people’s subtypes become clearer and/or more people find this Corner of Substack and require placement
you’re not even going to believe me when I tell you that I totally forgot the phrase originally meant “Big Dick Energy,” but I swear I did and it was just the somehow-origin-less and oft-repeated “Big ____ Energy” meme that was stuck in my head. Now that I’ve already labeled the category, though, it’s gonna have to stay that way. Trust I’m not trying to be (that) weird
or husbands; one does not need to be hetero (or even a dad) to be in the BDE club
it also literally just occurred to me that podcasts exist and some of these people even have their own. Don’t write stoned, kids
I love this potential Rohan-as-secret-romantasy-aurhor arc. I want it to be true.
Damn you hit this shit right in the middle of the bullseye from whatever is a really far distance to do such things but I have no sense of distance. 👏👏
I have no idea whether or not Rohan Ghostwind is hot, but like...his name is Rohan Ghostwind. I could sit and try to think of "names for the hot seductive male hero of my erotic fantasy novel" for like three months and not come up with one that good. So since he came up with it, I'm thinking maybe he doesn't have quite as much of the strenuously principled objection to such novels as one might surmise, based on his pieces. In fact I'm now lowkey semi-suspicious he might have a sidegig writing them, and his posts here are catharsis for the terrible pressure of having to constantly produce such fantasies for the voracious appetites of his all-lady audience. Or at least, I will choose to believe this bc it's kind of fun. 😊