Four Categories of Male Attractiveness
Challenge accepted
The above voiceover is not a reading of this essay, but additional commentary to it. In this one I talk more about what it means to be “cute.” I recommend reading the post before listening so that it makes the most sense!
A couple weeks ago,
brought up the “Four Categories of Female Attractiveness” on a recent podcast episode, answering a reader question about whether or not women have a similar categorization method for men’s attractiveness. The reader said women often call him “handsome.” Med said he really had no idea but that he doubts women would do a good job separating men into similar categories because we tend to prioritize character and personality more than looks. He’s not wrong that most women tend to do this when we meet men IRL, but I think he is wrong that we aren’t able to properly categorize male attractiveness prior to meeting them. I’ve been doing it my whole life! You could consider it a specialty. I am a part-time Professional Male Attractiveness Categorizer.
Since I can’t find Med’s original Note or Tweet or essay to see exactly what he said, we’ll have to rely on hot conservative lady-mag Evie of boob-dress porn fame to tell us what these female categories are and what they mean:
Gorgeous:
According to men, the "gorgeous" category is defined by a "stunning element" of uniqueness and a "mysterious allure" that's hard to ignore. It's all about a "striking" presence and unconventional beauty. Celebrities like Angelina Jolie and Adriana Lima exemplify this category, with their distinctive features that set them apart from the crowd. This category celebrates women who captivate with their unique beauty, leaving an unforgettable impression.
Beautiful:
"Beautiful" refers to a more traditional aesthetic, marked by facial symmetry and a serene, classic look without as much seductiveness. Blake Lively and Natalie Portman were cited as quintessential examples by men due to their timeless appeal. This category is a nod to the enduring elegance that has been celebrated through the ages, emphasizing grace and balanced features.
Hot:
The "hot" category is synonymous with sexuality and seduction, characterized by features that exude a powerful sexual allure, such as full lips and hypnotic eyes. Men put Madison Beer, Shakira, and Dua Lipa in this category, calling them "bold" and "captivating."
Pretty:
Defined by a strong element of sweetness and a radiant, friendly smile, the "pretty" category brings to mind the approachable girl next door. Jennifer Lawrence and Emma Watson are perfect examples, according to men, with their sweet demeanor and bright smiles. This category is all about warmth, friendliness, and the kind of beauty that feels both familiar and comforting.
Okay! Those categories make sense. I’m going to invent some for the guys now, basically parallel to the women’s categories as much as possible. And, listen, I know some of these example photos are old af, but this is based entirely on appearance at the time of the photo, and frankly I was a little shocked to see how much time had passed when I googled some of these guys and saw recent photos. Holy shit, where does the time go? Anyway, I don’t know who half of the current heartthrob dudes are right now, anyway. They all look like teenagers to me and I can’t have that many dudes in the “Cute” category.
Note: I selected these men out of a combination of pure objective appearance, current cultural relevance, other women’s anecdotal opinions that I heard somewhere1, and personal celebrity crush-harboring. I’m not consciously considering personality, politics, religion, or anything else that I presumably do or do not know about these dudes.
Without further ado:
Gorgeous:
Striking in his handsomeness with at least one pleasantly unusual facial feature, like perfectly arched eyebrows or full lips or particularly intense eyes. He is usually in great physical shape and relatively fashionable, usually aware of how he looks to others and styles himself deliberately, taking note of what’s flattering to him and what isn’t. The only requirement for his hair is that it looks on-purpose.
Robert Downey Jr just has those eyes, man. Hypnotizing. He’s been my forever celebrity crush ever since Heart and Souls in the 90s. What a babe. Patrick Dempsey has nice eyes, too, but it’s all that below-the-nose stuff that really adds something. Nice jawline, good 5 o’clock shadow, amazing hair. Brad Pitt has the jawline and the hair. His hair changes fairly often, but it’s always complementary to whatever other fashion thing he’s got going on. Chris Klein just kind of looks… sculpted. Almost too perfect, which is why he was initially going to be Handsome, but that combination of narrow eyes and full lips is just too unique on a white dude. I had a hard time placing Jason Mamoa. I almost stuck him in the Hot category simply because he oozes sex appeal, but then I looked at more pictures of his face, and then like a shit ton more, and he’s just got a great fucking face. More than Handsome. It’s probably the eyebrows. And the hair (there’s a theme with Gorgeous men here, I think).
Handsome:
Pretty much perfect facial features arranged symmetrically and proportionally. Straight nose, symmetrical eyes, a proportionate mouth, noticeable jawline, full facial hair potential even though he probably looks great without it because otherwise he wouldn’t qualify as Handsome. Handsomeness requires no beard for camouflage. Handsomeness is not something you can typically achieve without good genes or actual surgery, but some guys are on the cusp and can be two things. Handsome guys should never have a mustache without an accompanying beard. It ruins their face and just makes women mad that you would make a mockery of something so otherwise handcrafted by the gods.
Chris Pratt just has this, like, man angel face. It’s so touchable-looking. And he’s got a good beard situation, but he can pull off the shaved look pretty well. Eminem is a strange addition here because he, like Chris Klein, appears also to be sculpted from clay, but the near-perfect symmetry and angles of his face make him model-handsome. He didn’t always seem Handsome at first, like in the early days, but he’s definitely grown into it. Justin Timberlake is just a very symmetrical dude. He has nice eyes and unique eyebrows and good hair. He’ll probably never not be Handsome. He’s got a babyface, but just doesn’t seem like he belongs in the Cute category. Pete Hagseth was a last-minute addition because Husband was giving me a play-by-play of the confirmation hearings while I was trying to select more guys for this category, and he recommended him. I googled him because I didn’t know what he looked like, and wow, where the fuck did that guy come from? He has a newscaster face. Oh, she realized, he was a newscaster. I really wasn’t paying any attention at all. But he is very classically handsome in an almost cartoonish way. Ryan Reynolds was almost Cute because of how cheerful and charming his face is, but he’s too buff. He’s too Cute to be Hot, though, and he’s also symmetrical and looks good without a beard and has a great smile, so he’s Handsome.
Hot:
Features that create sex appeal when put together. Usually requires a specific kind of clothing to complete the look. Styling can elevate Handsome to Hot if sex appeal is what you’re going for. Being Hot is not always reliant on genes and can be attained by styling yourself in a more appealing and flattering way. Hot is the default look for some guys, but almost any guy can be Hot if he tries hard enough. Hotness is one category where personality can also up your score, whereas you can't become more Handsome by making better jokes or being smarter or more charming. This is something only really proven after communicating, so it doesn’t really count for the purposes of this explainer, but it counts in general.
Chris Messina’s face just has a whole attitude of its own. His eyebrows and mouth are very expressive and can change his whole appearance depending on how he arranges them. He has good hair and a nice physique and he can style himself casually or formally and look ravishing either way. Jake Gyllenhaal is what one might call smoldering. Dark hair and short facial hair against paler skin and bright eyes. The combination is pretty intense. John Krasinski is hot in that real-life way. Now, I’m breaking my own rule here by referencing a character he played and not strictly his appearance, but like the way Chris Pratt started out (Andy From Parks and Rec), John K started out playing kind of a derpy dude (Jim from The Office) who wasn’t necessarily traditionally attractive, but who had potential. Now, with time and some separation from the initial faces they gave to the world, they’re both babes. They are examples of men who became Hot (Chris Pratt was already naturally Handsome, but his former chubbiness hid that from most people). Pedro Pascal is one that I only added because when The Last of Us came out, everyone was peeing their pants over how hot they thought this guy was. I don’t really get it, personally, but I felt like not including him here would be some kind of fraud against women everywhere or something. I guess I can see it in the characters he sometimes plays, but that’s not supposed to be a consideration. People apparently think he’s charming and an example of not-toxic masculinity. I guess that can translate to Hot by my definition! I’m adding Huntley even though not many people know who he is yet because he’s a great example of Hot. He has A Thing (his hair, which is usually braided or done in some other interesting and unique way) and a face that looks like it belongs to a Greek God or something, both of which could put him in the Gorgeous category, but the fact that he’s a musician and dresses in things like boots and motorcycle vests and lots of jewelry changes his overall vibe to Hot. Man’s got sex appeal and he knows it.
Cute:
Guys whose facial features produce an appealing visage but who are too skinny to be hot or too feminine or pleasant-looking to be strictly handsome.2 Also characterized by unusually pretty eyes with extra-long lashes and a smaller-than-average mouth and often very little or no facial hair.
Harry Styles is someone I don’t know anything about, but I hear his name a lot and looked him up. He’s got a Nice Face, which is another way of saying Handsome, but he’s also got a boyish quality to him that makes me think of him as more Cute. Robert Pattinson is just, like, universally understood to be attractive, and I think that’s because of his moody, shy appearance and kind of reluctant-but-real-looking smile. He’s very symmetrical, giving him Handsome potential, but he’s slender. Cute, it is. Ryan Gosling has such a baby face that I just can’t put him into Handsome. He’s just gonna have to be Cute. Very, very Cute. Timothee Chalamet is an actor everyone seems to be talking about right now! I guess he has an interesting face. I am adding him because he is everywhere, not because I really think he belongs here. I am confused by this one. Edward Norton is here because he’s adorable. He’s “too pretty to go to jail,” as they say in 25th Hour. This section was actually going to be called “Pretty” because of him and that movie, but I decided against it at the last minute because I thought people would think it was an insulting category, which it is not, but I don’t wanna argue about it. Edward Norton is not conventionally attractive in my opinion and is only considered to be so because of the way he moves his face around. I mean, the way he smiles and the way his eyes twinkle and the way he looks around and talks and stuff. Character stuff again, not allowed, but that’s why.
Who did I leave out? What categories would you add or change? Who absolutely should not have been included?
Oh. You see, around a year or so ago, Timothy Olyphant was in some movie my husband and I were watching, and I said he was ugly and looked kind of like a crackhead. T-Man is apparently one of his favorite actors and has not gotten over it. He believes that the fact that I do not think Timmy O is attractive means my taste in men is questionable and now his self-esteem is affected. Maybe I just have a bias against guys named Tim!
Anyway, Timothy Olyphant is not going in any of my buckets. He is a caveat.
Super Scientific(tm)
When describing guys like this IRL, I will typically just call him “handsome” because it sounds less rude, even though I’m not really trying to be rude when I say “cute.” That’s how we described attractive guys as teenagers, though, and that’s kind of the same vibe I get with these guys. It’s not an insult, though. Sometimes “handsome” also just means “good face.” Sometimes “cute” means “good face but you’re kinda awkward” or something. idk it’s complicated once you get past sheer looks. “Cute” is a weird category that might need future modification.
Omg I can’t believe my man appeared in each one!!
Luigi in every category