Thanks! I think I mentioned it at some point way early on in a note or two, probably back in like 2023 or so, but I haven't really mentioned it since then. If you and I were connected here back then, it would make sense that you knew!
This was so interesting and took such a turn! It really was deeper than just skin! I am also one of those vapid bitches and I must say sculptra is worth it! Haha.
Thank you! And hell yeah, I'm so glad to hear it about the sculptra 🙌 I thought about a laser thing first but wanted some volume back and it seemed like the best way over traditional filler.
Ouch! I really didn’t see that coming. I hope you got to enjoy stereograms in your youth. Now your hiking, in addition to enviable, looks significantly braver to me.
Holy actual FUCK Lirpa. I have read every single thing you have written on your Substack. It’s freaky because now I think I know you. Then you drop this. I can only hope you read my stuff sometimes… but maybe long form NZ grunge lit… is hard on your eye…. ;) keep rocking.
It came on very abruptly, although I had eye pressure issues as a kid for a while that scared me but were ultimately resolved for a long time. But yeah, I'm not sure I've ever felt pain as bad as a glaucoma attack back them. Whew. I thankfully don't get migraines, but I can only imagine that's comparable to what it feels like, if not worse in its own unique eye-way.
What a wonderfully written and vulnerable post! It is incredibly relatable even as you take us through something uniquely specific. Best thing I read all week.
I thought turning 30 was great and I loved it, so I assumed I'd feel the same about 40, but nope I sure did not! Something about that 4 just hits different somehow.
Oh that's so interesting! My 40th birthday is like a month from now and I'm so curious about it. I was just telling someone today at work that in general I've enjoyed getting older and the giving-fewer-fucks that comes along with it, but you're right, there is something about that 4 that feels a bit scary. Like no, you're a grown up for REAL real this time.
I might have just taken it harder because of my particular bizarre circumstances that year, and I know a lot of women who just dgaf, too. Maybe it won't be so bad. But it's so true about being a grown up for REAL real. I think I'll probably settle down at some point in the next few years. Hopefully. lol.
This is really powerful, and you write about it all with such grace. Reading a piece by someone with actual problems really humbled me — not enough that I plan to actually change anything about myself, but still.
Also, I think a fitness girl with an eyepatch sounds hot? Is that bad?
Thanks!! I really appreciate that. It's not so much of a problem anymore now that I'm used to it, although tomorrow I drive an hour in DC rush hour traffic to get the damn thing cleaned (probably the upcoming event that subconsciously sparked this essay lol) and then drive home when it's all itchy and irritated. Ugh, fuck eye patches though. So uncomfortable if you also have to wear glasses. I imagine they'd be sweaty to work out in, especially in a hot yoga room around 100 degrees! But you can think that's hot, that's not bad. It literally is hot.
Oh, yeah. I imagine that would suck. Have you considered a monocle? They’re inherently badass, and you’re in that rare position where you can wear one without being called pretentious.
Wow, my experience has just been to get yelled at by a series of doctors for not coming in to get my pressure checked and one instance of laser surgery, which hurt more than was advertised but was otherwise fine.
I sympathize with the poor depth perception. My eyes don't focus properly, so while I can look at things with both eyes it usually takes me a couple seconds and an awkward pause in conversation. I think I would be the worst server in the world for this and other reasons.
Oh, I think I know which laser surgery you're talking about. They tried that one first. It hurt so bad I literally screamed and the doctor scolded me. Asshole told me it would just be a pinch! It was absolutely not a pinch! Omg, lol. That hurt so bad. I was knocked out for the others, thankfully.
I feel validated now. I thought I had a reasonable pain tolerance, but you really do feel the laser incinerating a part of your body that is quite happy to be alive and I had to take time to gasp a bit between sets. You’d have to be a real masochist to just take it in one sitting.
Yeah, it was *awful*. I couldn't get through it on the first try, and they had me come back the next day to try again, and I still couldn't do it. That's when they scheduled the other type. Lol, I cannot remember the names of either of these laser surgeries anymore. I'd recognize them if I saw them.
Loved this. Really shows all the ups and downs and changes in appearance, which I think are normal for most people yet others seem to think everyone is just staticly hot or not - so very not the case.
I have a friend with a glass eye and I always forget, and can't tell which one it is anyway! They're so good these days. But also, please do be careful driving. 😊 Said friend drives like a 90 year old woman and I think that's a good thing.
But also, can you clarify about going three weeks with no eye patch or prosthetic and no one noticing? Do you mean you literally just had an empty socket?? Did you keep that eyelid closed? Were you wearing sunglasses? I am so confused about how it's possible no one noticed this?!?
When they remove the eye, they actually insert a spherical implant inside the back of the socket, in your eye muscles. That's what the prosthetic, which is actually shell-shaped and not spherical, rests on. It helps it to move with the real eye, although it doesn't work that well, honestly, lol. I miss rolling my eyes.
But anyway, first, it ends up looking much less hollow inside than you'd expect because of that implant, then when you add the conformer, which is rounded, it has the shape of an eye, just without any of the features of an eye. So it just kind of looked like I had an eye, but that it was really fucked up for some reason. I'll send you a DM of a picture of me from that time period so you can see what I'm talking about. Here's a link to what the conformer looks like and does:
That eye stuff sounds horrible…I don’t think I would have been as resilient as you were. In person I couldn’t tell at all. I relate all too well to the weight loss and struggle to put it back on with muscle.
I think people are just resilient when they have to be! It wasn't until I absolutely felt like I had to that I decided to finally do it. I could have had a much easier time with it all had I done it right away when it was first recommended. Kind of a dumb move on my part, but I knew I'd always wonder if the outcome the surgeon predicted maybe wouldn't have come true if I hadn't tried that last surgery first, so I guess it's for the best that I knew for sure when I finally did it, even if there were almost two years of terrible face-time, lol.
Thank you so much!! I’ve been having fun with the voiceovers, too. Although the voiceover actually contains a paragraph I eventually deleted from the essay itself but didn’t want to re-record the audio, so it’s like bonus material, lol.
He strung together a successful thirty-year career with two gold records and a platinum one, and he was never abashed about having a glass eye.
It’s of little comfort for anyone who is trying to adjust to take any encouragement from those who don’t understand what it’s like. But what I can say is that there is absolutely nothing in this world that such things should inhibit, and this is proof positive.
Don’t ever forget: Columbo was a beloved cultural icon, too.
I've found since all this happened that I'm much more engaged in everything I theoretically should *not* be doing, like driving across the country and planning weeks-long solo hikes. But maybe that's exactly why I want to, just to prove I can in a way. Makes up for not being able to see the Magic Eye things anymore, lol
So many thoughts! I relate very much to you (maybe because we're both Libra moon and rising?). I had eye surgery in high school (they removed a large nevus and it hurt like a bitch) and I opted for the eyepatch, which you are totally right, is way more conspicuous than just letting the eye hang out. Though I needed to protect the eye so I just upped the ante by adding more to my costume e.g. day one was normal eyepatch, by day five I had on a pirate costume complete with a fake parrot.
I'm also struggling with the "choose your face or your ass" situation in my 30s. My face has gotten much more gaunt since I've slimmed down as well. And I also have at least 1 surgery I'd want to do (single browlift and/or single eye ptosis correction), so fully embodying that "it's great to drop beautification rituals while also participating" contradiction as well.
Lovely piece, thank you for sharing so authentically!
Oh wow, I'm so glad you commented. It's nice to know when other people know what this sort of thing feels like! I love that you ended up in a pirate costume by the end of the week 😂
Also that's very cool that we're both Libra moon and rising. What's your sun sign, out of curiosity?
Thanks! I think I mentioned it at some point way early on in a note or two, probably back in like 2023 or so, but I haven't really mentioned it since then. If you and I were connected here back then, it would make sense that you knew!
This was so interesting and took such a turn! It really was deeper than just skin! I am also one of those vapid bitches and I must say sculptra is worth it! Haha.
Thank you! And hell yeah, I'm so glad to hear it about the sculptra 🙌 I thought about a laser thing first but wanted some volume back and it seemed like the best way over traditional filler.
Ouch! I really didn’t see that coming. I hope you got to enjoy stereograms in your youth. Now your hiking, in addition to enviable, looks significantly braver to me.
Holy actual FUCK Lirpa. I have read every single thing you have written on your Substack. It’s freaky because now I think I know you. Then you drop this. I can only hope you read my stuff sometimes… but maybe long form NZ grunge lit… is hard on your eye…. ;) keep rocking.
I do read it! Although I'm not caught up on everything just yet, there's a lot to read ;)
Just thought I'd drop some extra lore this time, I suppose, lol.
Sympathy. I have borderline glaucoma but have never had to deal with symptoms like yours.
It came on very abruptly, although I had eye pressure issues as a kid for a while that scared me but were ultimately resolved for a long time. But yeah, I'm not sure I've ever felt pain as bad as a glaucoma attack back them. Whew. I thankfully don't get migraines, but I can only imagine that's comparable to what it feels like, if not worse in its own unique eye-way.
What a wonderfully written and vulnerable post! It is incredibly relatable even as you take us through something uniquely specific. Best thing I read all week.
That's such a nice thing to say, thank you! I'm so glad it resonated even if it was very weirdly specific, lol.
I mean- I'm a woman nearing 40 so allllll the appearance stuff cuts deep!
I thought turning 30 was great and I loved it, so I assumed I'd feel the same about 40, but nope I sure did not! Something about that 4 just hits different somehow.
Oh that's so interesting! My 40th birthday is like a month from now and I'm so curious about it. I was just telling someone today at work that in general I've enjoyed getting older and the giving-fewer-fucks that comes along with it, but you're right, there is something about that 4 that feels a bit scary. Like no, you're a grown up for REAL real this time.
I might have just taken it harder because of my particular bizarre circumstances that year, and I know a lot of women who just dgaf, too. Maybe it won't be so bad. But it's so true about being a grown up for REAL real. I think I'll probably settle down at some point in the next few years. Hopefully. lol.
If not now, that’s what 50 is for!
This is really powerful, and you write about it all with such grace. Reading a piece by someone with actual problems really humbled me — not enough that I plan to actually change anything about myself, but still.
Also, I think a fitness girl with an eyepatch sounds hot? Is that bad?
Thanks!! I really appreciate that. It's not so much of a problem anymore now that I'm used to it, although tomorrow I drive an hour in DC rush hour traffic to get the damn thing cleaned (probably the upcoming event that subconsciously sparked this essay lol) and then drive home when it's all itchy and irritated. Ugh, fuck eye patches though. So uncomfortable if you also have to wear glasses. I imagine they'd be sweaty to work out in, especially in a hot yoga room around 100 degrees! But you can think that's hot, that's not bad. It literally is hot.
Oh, yeah. I imagine that would suck. Have you considered a monocle? They’re inherently badass, and you’re in that rare position where you can wear one without being called pretentious.
https://64.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m3p6rmTjAo1qat50eo1_640.jpg
Lol, I have considered one for fun. Maybe someday...
Wow, my experience has just been to get yelled at by a series of doctors for not coming in to get my pressure checked and one instance of laser surgery, which hurt more than was advertised but was otherwise fine.
I sympathize with the poor depth perception. My eyes don't focus properly, so while I can look at things with both eyes it usually takes me a couple seconds and an awkward pause in conversation. I think I would be the worst server in the world for this and other reasons.
Oh, I think I know which laser surgery you're talking about. They tried that one first. It hurt so bad I literally screamed and the doctor scolded me. Asshole told me it would just be a pinch! It was absolutely not a pinch! Omg, lol. That hurt so bad. I was knocked out for the others, thankfully.
I feel validated now. I thought I had a reasonable pain tolerance, but you really do feel the laser incinerating a part of your body that is quite happy to be alive and I had to take time to gasp a bit between sets. You’d have to be a real masochist to just take it in one sitting.
Yeah, it was *awful*. I couldn't get through it on the first try, and they had me come back the next day to try again, and I still couldn't do it. That's when they scheduled the other type. Lol, I cannot remember the names of either of these laser surgeries anymore. I'd recognize them if I saw them.
Loved this. Really shows all the ups and downs and changes in appearance, which I think are normal for most people yet others seem to think everyone is just staticly hot or not - so very not the case.
I have a friend with a glass eye and I always forget, and can't tell which one it is anyway! They're so good these days. But also, please do be careful driving. 😊 Said friend drives like a 90 year old woman and I think that's a good thing.
But also, can you clarify about going three weeks with no eye patch or prosthetic and no one noticing? Do you mean you literally just had an empty socket?? Did you keep that eyelid closed? Were you wearing sunglasses? I am so confused about how it's possible no one noticed this?!?
When they remove the eye, they actually insert a spherical implant inside the back of the socket, in your eye muscles. That's what the prosthetic, which is actually shell-shaped and not spherical, rests on. It helps it to move with the real eye, although it doesn't work that well, honestly, lol. I miss rolling my eyes.
But anyway, first, it ends up looking much less hollow inside than you'd expect because of that implant, then when you add the conformer, which is rounded, it has the shape of an eye, just without any of the features of an eye. So it just kind of looked like I had an eye, but that it was really fucked up for some reason. I'll send you a DM of a picture of me from that time period so you can see what I'm talking about. Here's a link to what the conformer looks like and does:
https://ocularpro.com/transition-period-between-surgery-and-prosthetic-eye-restoration/#:~:text=Following%20a%20surgical%20procedure%20to,and%20may%20even%20be%20harmful.
That eye stuff sounds horrible…I don’t think I would have been as resilient as you were. In person I couldn’t tell at all. I relate all too well to the weight loss and struggle to put it back on with muscle.
I think people are just resilient when they have to be! It wasn't until I absolutely felt like I had to that I decided to finally do it. I could have had a much easier time with it all had I done it right away when it was first recommended. Kind of a dumb move on my part, but I knew I'd always wonder if the outcome the surgeon predicted maybe wouldn't have come true if I hadn't tried that last surgery first, so I guess it's for the best that I knew for sure when I finally did it, even if there were almost two years of terrible face-time, lol.
This is so good. First post I’ve actually listened to being read out loud!
Thank you so much!! I’ve been having fun with the voiceovers, too. Although the voiceover actually contains a paragraph I eventually deleted from the essay itself but didn’t want to re-record the audio, so it’s like bonus material, lol.
Great read.
Thank you so much!
You still cute.
Lemme share something with you. This is my Grand-Uncle Dick. You may notice something peculiar about his eye:
https://encrypted-tbn2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQmBrry5dufpck3ZSSFrClqHW_MjMGdmnpexAmGlg29cNR5drNErSi332-eA5G8-Re4TdGPewuyHwOblGc7Y4DQaEKemKYOsLsyePvkkPyPFA
He strung together a successful thirty-year career with two gold records and a platinum one, and he was never abashed about having a glass eye.
It’s of little comfort for anyone who is trying to adjust to take any encouragement from those who don’t understand what it’s like. But what I can say is that there is absolutely nothing in this world that such things should inhibit, and this is proof positive.
Don’t ever forget: Columbo was a beloved cultural icon, too.
That's amazing!
I've found since all this happened that I'm much more engaged in everything I theoretically should *not* be doing, like driving across the country and planning weeks-long solo hikes. But maybe that's exactly why I want to, just to prove I can in a way. Makes up for not being able to see the Magic Eye things anymore, lol
So many thoughts! I relate very much to you (maybe because we're both Libra moon and rising?). I had eye surgery in high school (they removed a large nevus and it hurt like a bitch) and I opted for the eyepatch, which you are totally right, is way more conspicuous than just letting the eye hang out. Though I needed to protect the eye so I just upped the ante by adding more to my costume e.g. day one was normal eyepatch, by day five I had on a pirate costume complete with a fake parrot.
I'm also struggling with the "choose your face or your ass" situation in my 30s. My face has gotten much more gaunt since I've slimmed down as well. And I also have at least 1 surgery I'd want to do (single browlift and/or single eye ptosis correction), so fully embodying that "it's great to drop beautification rituals while also participating" contradiction as well.
Lovely piece, thank you for sharing so authentically!
Oh wow, I'm so glad you commented. It's nice to know when other people know what this sort of thing feels like! I love that you ended up in a pirate costume by the end of the week 😂
Also that's very cool that we're both Libra moon and rising. What's your sun sign, out of curiosity?
I'm a Capricorn! Tail end of being considered one. A feminine sign paired with a Libra 2x masculine.
P.S. you are on the elven goddess spectrum to me! Anya Taylor-Joy core.
Omg you are so sweet 🥹